I’m still fixated on cheerleaders. It’s just bugging me. Or maybe I’m just repressed after being locked in a closet until my 33rd birthday when my foster parents surprised me with that cabbage patch doll I’d been begging for. I’ll look into that.
However, I do offer advice, and this might just change your life.
Warning; This edition of OTB may include violence, offensive language, graphic nudity, disgusting animal behavior, bad jokes, and mullets. Reader discretion is advised.
I recant what I said in the latest OTB post about the existence of MLS cheerleaders being an indicator that teams are marketing to 10 year olds. Just to confirm it (and this is the part you really need to pay attention to), I actually opened the fan club link on the Houston Dynamo site. Made me even sicker than I was before. I now have the dry heaves. I beg you, as a fellow Rapids supporter, don’t do as I did. Just walk away.
I’m pretty sure I just drove some of you to their site, but isn’t that what warnings are for?
Yay! Score a Goal Basket Point!
At a glance I could see that the Dynamo aren’t peddling their soccer to kids. Nope. Right there on the screen are genuine real-life gotta-be strippers, each wearing shirts tied at the bust and sporting a provocative pose as if emotionally devoid male soccer fans are what they’ve been looking for all their young lives. Well, where else should they look for someone to take them out of junior college and into a life of luxury?
Camera guy: “Hey, Roxy, stand right there, hold this scarf thing above your head and smile like somebody just slipped a 10-spot in your g-string”.
But there’s more. That’s right, the fun doesn’t end there. These beauties are juxtaposed against guys doing their best to look menacing, complete with crossed arms and wanna-be gang-banger glares. I suppose they represent their respective fan clubs, and I suppose their mothers are proud.
The thing couldn’t be more staged, nor could it be more offensive. So don’t look. You’ll puke, turn to stone, or go blind. I avoided the stone and blind thing but you may not be so lucky.
True soccer hooligans come from pretty much everywhere. Generally involved are 20-somethings, 20-something wannabees and folks from board rooms, garage bands, grad schools, Zen classes, software engineering cubicles and horticulture clubs, to name a few.
That pretty much describes CVI.
On theme is the above reference to horticulture. How are stripper-cheerleaders related to gardeners? Well, think about it. You can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think.
Don’t blame me – I warned you about bad jokes. And you’re the one who’s still reading this crap.
But the Dynamo seem to be targeting biker clubs, road-side (and basement bedroom) beef jerky co-ops, courthouses, bail bond joints and auto repair shops.
They must have stolen the recruiting play book from the Pids.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are a few fans in such places, but do they really admit it? I mean, my neighbor won’t admit he likes soccer and I don’t even carry a pistol. And isn’t it a bit dangerous to put these people in the same soccer stadium with each other after they’ve been drinking heavily? Or is that the point?
Cheerleaders and soccer don’t mix. At least that’s my opinion. The front office seems to agree. Based on your response to the most recent OTB survey, so do most of you. There is at least one proud misogynist among you but we’re still together – singing the same songs, beating the same drums, and heckling the same teams.
That’s it for now. Send your questions, comments, ideas, mail, etc: Click Here To Email OTB!
And remember … it’s fun to play Outside The Box!
Disclaimers: (1) OTB is intended for mature audiences. While this leaves only a handful from CVI and even fewer Pids, you folks are welcome to check in. If you’re not a member of either group … congratulations; You obviously have good judgment and better things to do. (2) OTB is frequently sarcastic, rarely accurate, always messed up and (even though some consider it knee-slappin’ funny) it may offend on occasion. (3) The remarks, rants, raves, opinions and other content of OTB are rarely shared (and are never approved of) by MLS, the Rapids’ front office or the founders of Class VI and Pid Army (in whose names we pray).
