Outside The Box – A (sometimes) humorous look at all things Burgundy and Beyond
All I really need to know about professional soccer l learned from Mr. Mackey, my grade school counselor. Later in life I noticed these rules were very similar to those used by FIFA and MLS
These are a few of the other things I learned from Mr. Mackey:
1. SHARE, BUT ONLY IF IT’S IN YOUR BEST INTEREST. Lesson from Mr. Mackey: “Jimmy? You don’t need to share your crayon’s, m’kay, but I think it’d be a good idea for you to share with the children how you’re gunna take a ball-peen hammer to the soft spot in their head if they make better grades than you, m’kay”
Applicable lesson for FIFA and MLS: This concept of “sharing” between FIFA and MLS includes ways to beat down teams that just need to be beaten down like, maybe, teams that win when they’re not supposed to. Stuff like that.
2. DON’T PLAY FAIR, and TAKE THINGS THAT AREN’T YOURS. Lesson from Mr. Mackey: “Now listen carefully Jimmy … life’s not fair, m’kay, so you can take crayons from other children, cheat at kick-ball, hit kids with hammers, and pretty much do whatever the hayuhl you want, m’kay?”
Applicable lesson for FIFA and MLS: This concept has been in play with FIFA and MLS for some time, to the benefit of certain teams and the detriment of others. Both organizations refuse to provide documentation that the rule exists
3. HIT PEOPLE, BUT NOT JUST ANYWHERE. Lesson from Mr. Mackey: “Jimmy, it’s okay to kick the shit out of other children on the playground, m’kay, but only if you think they might cut in line at the monkey bars. It’s kind of like that little Mondaini kid when he sent that Morales boy home with a broken ankle a few weeks ago? But you gotta remember, m’kay, if you hurt somebody when they’re not goin’ for the monkey bars, m’kay, you’ll be beaten with a twob’four and sent to juvi … like what happened to that little Mullen boy”
Applicable lesson for FIFA and MLS: If somebody puts another player in the hospital, don’t make a big deal about it if the injured player was trying to score. But if the injured player, say, wasn’t near the goal when the foul occurred, make sure to penalize the offender to the harshest extent allowable … and then some. Use the scoring opportunity as an excuse for the favoritism, even if nobody believes you.
4. PUT THINGS BACK WHERE YOU FOUND THEM. Lesson from Mr. Mackey: “Jimmy, do you remember those children you hit’n the head with that hammer when they made better grades than you? Yeah, those children layin’ in a pool a’blood over there? I think it’d be a good idea, m’kay, to prop ‘em back up in their chair. We’ll just tell everybody those children take drugs and smoke mari-juh-whanna, m’kay”
Applicable lessor for FIFA and MLS: When a team comes from the middle of the pack to win a championship, make sure to put them down … where you found them … in the middle of the pack
5. DON’T CLEAN UP YOUR OWN MESS. Mr. Mackey never made me clean up my own mess
Applicable lesson: Nobody cleans up their own mess at FIFA and MLS either
6. SAY YOU’RE SORRY WHEN YOU HURT SOMEBODY, BUT ONLY IF YOU GET CAUGHT. Lesson from Mr. Mackey: “Jimmy? One of the other teachers saw you hit those children with that hammer, m’kay, so we can’t pretend it didn’t happen. Just act like you care, tell them you’re sorry and promise not to do it again. And try not to laugh this time, m’kay?”
Applicable lesson for FIFA and MLS: This rule has essentially been deleted in its entirety but is left open to interpretation in the event video replay shows an officials’ error was of unquestionable and epic proportions. The league then issues a half-ass apology and a promise to do better
7. FLUSH. Lesson from Mr. Mackey: “Jimmy? I know you dropped that big dookie in the urinal in the little boys’ room. I think you should, m’kay, go flush it before the janitor sees it and tells the principal? Otherwise, m’kay, you might get stuck cleanin’ it up”
Applicable lessor for FIFA and MLS: Flush the evidence
8. WARM COOKIES AND MILK ARE GOOD FOR YOU. Yes, they are. Especially after getting screwed by the refs again. Beer helps too
Mr. Mackey prefers LSD. So do FIFA and MLS
Everything you need to know about life and soccer can be found in these lessons. The golden rule is ignored, love is withheld, sanitation is optional, politics are rampant and ball-peen hammers are the norm.
By the way, Mr. Mackey is a Rapids fan.
And drugs are bad for ya’, m’kay
That’s it for now. Send your questions, comments, ideas, mail, etc: Click Here To Email OTB!
And remember … it’s fun to play Outside The Box!
Disclaimers: (1) OTB is intended for mature audiences. While this leaves only a handful from CVI and even fewer Pids, you folks are welcome to check in. If you’re not a member of either group … congratulations; You obviously have good judgment and better things to do. (2) OTB is frequently sarcastic, rarely accurate, always messed up and (even though some consider it knee-slappin’ funny) it may offend on occasion. (3) The remarks, rants, raves, opinions and other content of OTB are rarely shared (and are never approved of) by MLS, the Rapids’ front office or the founders of Class VI and Pid Army (in whose names we pray).
